Friday, 25 July 2008

Sometimes, I have no idea what to do.

It can be rough, when my own brain gives me a sense of all-pervasive confusion. I just sit in my room, and my mind goes completely blank. With all my CDs, and DVDs, and a computer, and a television to watch; I feel completely incapable of forming even the simplest of ideas.

The fog in my brain can be awful. (It's a symptom of my illness, dysautonomia. It makes me feel a bit useless -- as though I could not produce my own last name, if I were pressured to do so. It turns all the ideas in my head into misty nothingness; too insubstantial to grab a hold of. Sometimes, when anything is possible, that very promise could almost be perceived as a threat. Far too much is possible, for me to handle.

I need to clear my brain of these unproductive notions. Divest it of the sheer weight of ideas and possibilities. As if it is unwanted clutter on a computer hard drive. The feeling is one of the physical weight, sometimes. That I only have so much space in my head for ideas. I certainly can't write my book, if I feel in a state of intellectual disorder -- chaos, even. The best thing to do, is to make a conscientious attempt to retain only the good ideas. This even works, from time to time. This post is an act of catharsis.

I can move on to good ideas, now.

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